Grief is a heaux, but God

I originally wrote this piece for a book on grief I was writing, but then a friend asked me to write something for a devotional she was producing on grief so I gave it to her. But she hasn't published it and I've been feeling like I need to share it so, I'm sharing it here.

My best friend died just one month and five days before her thirty-eighth birthday. It was the most painful, heart wrenching thing I had ever experienced in my entire life until that point. It was sudden and unexpected so I believe that created an extra layer of anger I developed towards God. After all He told me that I had the anointing to lay hands on the sick and heal them - so why didn't it work? Why didn’t she wake up out of her coma when I laid hands and prayed over her? When her pastor came and twenty or more gathered around her praying and petitioning for her brain function to increase - why didn’t she wake up? I felt like God left me and forsook me and took away one of the people in my life that meant the most to me. I was mad at God...so incredibly mad. My trust in Him began to waver. I still went to church but I couldn't always participate in praise and worship because I just could not bring myself to sing words that in that moment I did not believe. I still loved God, still had faith in God, and believed in God I was just... mad. But even in the madness He met me where I was.

The thing about God is, He can take our anger and our frustration and through it all He will never leave us broken. I moved from New Haven, Connecticut to Los Angeles, California in the summer of 2005. By April of 2016 I had lived in LA for almost 11 years and in that time God helped me build a community of people who had become like family and were (and still are) a sturdy support system.

One of those friends moved out of state and was pregnant with twins. In spite of this not being her first pregnancy, there were two lives living and growing inside of her, so of course we had to celebrate! The evening before I was set to leave for the baby shower I got the phone call about my BFF being in the ICU just as I was leaving the store after purchasing a Weekender bag for my flight...to New Jersey. God made sure I would not have to stress and scramble to get a flight home to the East Coast. All I had to do was take a shuttle from Newark to Manhattan and then a train to New Haven - a route I was very familiar with. He made sure there was room on the plane so my pregnant friend’s mom could push her flight up and leave with me so I would not be traveling alone. He made sure I was able to get home while she could still hear me and that I could be with our family and friends. Although I was going through one of the worst things in my life, God made it seamless for me to get there, and He even sent messengers to give me peace.

One day after returning home from her funeral two strangers started talking to me in a Starbucks. That is not uncommon because strangers talk to me all the time; but this conversation ended with them giving me confirmation that Nita had a choice and she was ready to go and that she wanted to be with her mother. I never saw those ladies again. At a Starbucks I went to almost everyday to write. Who happened to be from Hamden, Connecticut. Who just so happened to be former students of my bestie’s mom? - they were angels sent by God to give me peace and no one can ever tell me any different.

I miss my friend and everyday I wish that she was still here on earth but I have to remember that God’s plans are perfect and He will never leave us nor forsake us. He always hears our prayers and He always answers them. My best friend was healed and her body was restored - it just did not happen on earth, it happened in heaven. I had a support system in LA when it was time to leave the one in Connecticut. From the time I landed in Los Angeles in 2005 God knew that in 2016 I was going to need girlfriends and mentors to cover me in prayer, to hold me up whenever I break down, to let me cry and get snot all over their scarf ...God knew and He prepared for me. He loved me enough to not leave me in place where I had to grieve alone and process my feelings by myself.

Grief is a heaux, but God. You don’t expect to have to bury your friends before you are 40. Especially when you have plans to travel the world and to take her children when they become rowdy teenagers. My best friend will miss all of the most important moments for the rest of my

life - that is the reality and while that is a hard pill to swallow, the reality is also that God will be with me and He loves me and He loved her enough to heal her and bring her back home.

I wrote this before Miya died and now she is gone too. She was one of the first people to call me when I was sitting in ICU crying my eyes out unable to catch my breath. But in her death God was there too. The first day of production for Grey's Anatomy was on a Wednesday and originally her funeral was going to be that Monday. I did not want to have miss the first day of work and God knew that. My friends and I share our parents so we all had to be there for Miya's mother - our mother. This was in covid times so I had to test on Monday in order to be able to work on Wednesday. My AD was trying to see if I could test in New Jersey instead of LA, but then her funeral ended up being Tuesday. Production found a location for me to test at 5am close to LAX so I could be on the first flight out Monday morning. I made it there Monday afternoon, celebrated her life on Tuesday morning and afternoon, flew back to LA Tuesday night and went to work Wednesday morning. God knows how important showing up for others means to me. He knows how our familes are one big family so He made sure I could get there to send my sister-friend home properply.

I miss my friends but something that puts a smile on my face is picturing Sharnita meeting Miya at the gate like "hey girl!" my two dancing machines together in heaven cutting up for Jesus.

Heavenly Father I pray for the person reading this blog. I pray that any areas of their heart that have been hardened by grief will be healed in the name of Jesus. I pray that they will be honest with you with where they are right now in this moment and I pray that that honesty will heal them in places they weren’t aware were broken. I pray you will comfort them through their grief. I pray you will give them closure and peace about a loved one’s death that has left them confused or unsettled. God please cover them with your love, your grace, and your mercy. And remind them that you are always with them and that you will never leave them nor forsake them, In Jesus’ Name I Pray, Amen.