Tears of a Faith

Blog

I think I have been very transparent about how my relationship with God has been over the past few years since losing yet another best friend. I still have faith, but my actions are not showing that I still trust Him.

This morning was the first time in a long time that I have not given God a drive by prayer for myself. For others, I go in - I tarry. For me: “thanks for waking me up, please guide my day”. Is that a terrible prayer? No, but for a prayer warrior as myself it is definitely mediocre and the bare minimum. No real time spent, just some generic words to check off a box.

I literally got on my knees and worshiped (with the help of Steffany Gretzinger) and my tears prayed the prayers I could not. Two particular topics came up. One of them I can’t talk about because it involves someone else and I won’t speak on it until they do, and the other is being in a relationship.

For a while now I have definitely been on the “I do not want to be in a relationship” train, but that’s just not true. Niggas be niggin’ but when the right person comes along I’ll be ready, until then, I’ll keep giving these men excuses. You really can’t run game on me because I’m one of those niggas that nig. N E WAY! When you know you know and it doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine. I just need for me and my person to recognize at the same time - they always recognize once I don’t care anymore but we can talk about that later.

Anywho, as I was on the floor, crying, I heard God say “you’re not in a relationship because you don’t talk to me about it”. Oop. I used to fast and pray one day a week for my marriage. And I guess along the way I got tired and said “when God wants me to have a husband He’ll send him”. That’s so lazy! But I was tired of praying for something that didn’t seem like it was going to come to be. But how can I just stop praying because I was tired of praying? Do you know how much you will have to still pray once you’re in a relationship? You can’t stop once you get what you’ve been praying and asking for. There is still work you need to do to maintain it. So how can God trust me to continue to pray once He’s given what I want if I cannot do the work now? Whew, socked me in the throat.

God has to be able to trust that you will maintain the garden once He plants the fruit. With everything else in life, you have to be consistent, you have to be intentional. Going with the flow does not breed fruitful results. If I want to be in a relationship I have to be intentional. I have to choose who chooses me. I have to talk to God about it. And I have to trust Him in guiding my choice. I have to be specific in prayer about what I want. I truly believe that God will give you the desires of your heart and will not give you someone you do not like or someone you are not attracted to. I keep seeing things on the interwebs saying “marriage isn’t supposed to make you happy, it’s to glorify God”. I don’t subscribe to that. I don’t think God would put you in a marriage to be miserable “for His glory” - that doesn’t even sound like Him. And if I’m going to be in a miserable marriage just leave me single because to be clear, I’m very happy single, I’m content. I can get up and go do whatever I want when I want. I’m happy. I’m free. I just want to be as happy and as free as I am with a partner. I want to share my life with someone. I want to take care of someone who takes care of me. How can I do that if I don’t like that…man??

Don’t y’all miss my runaway tangents.

Anywho. In my prayer time God reminded me that my relationship with Him will be reflected in my relationship with my man. And right now this some timey, drive by time I’ve been giving God has not been it. And I would not want a man to give me the kind of time I have been giving God as of late. My top love language is quality time so how can I expect a partner to give me quality time if I’m not first having it with God? I can’t.

Who you partner your life with, who you connect your body and your spirit to sexually are literally some of the most important decisions you make in your life. It is not something to take lightly or “let happen”. It takes intentionally, it takes preparation, and it takes prayer. It takes sitting in God’s presence and listening to Him speak.

This morning I literally prayed for God to remove my want for a relationship if that is not something He has for me. But also I’m like: you wouldn’t make me this deeply passionate, lover girl woman if you did not want me to have someone to love. And that’s when He reminded me that I stopped talking to Him about it.

So, don’t stop talking to God about the things you want. Yes, we only get what aligns with His will for our lives. But the Word of God also says He gives us the desires of our heart - and He puts those desires there.